The Best Ways to Survive the Horror of Transperth
We all know that feeling, awkwardly looking but not looking at the man who might be masturbating, or the lady talking too loudly about the amount of cat food Sprinkles ate this week or the couple who are sniffing solvents on the back seat. Yes, Transperth; that lovely fixture only the luckiest of us get to experience on a near daily basis; and as someone who has done that for the last seven years straight, (my medal is on its way), I can definitely recommend some ways around such dilemmas.
1. Headphones
Taking a bus without headphones is kind of like wearing shoes without socks. Sure you can try it, sure it'll be okay, but by the end of it, you'll definitely regret it. If you don't take them, pleb move my friend, pleb move.
2. 8tracks
Pretty much the greatest
thing ever. The site now has an app, which requires no details for log in
(handy) and has a plethora of playlists from millions of users worldwide
(excellent). I won't bother running you through it (boring), I'll let you
discover its greatness yourself (better).
Protip: Combine 1 & 2 - No one likes the douche trying to
bring back a pocket-size version of a 1980's boombox.
3. Silly little games
Angry birds, temple run, sketchman; games that you can either play for hours if you're on a roll or for three minutes if you're stuck on a level. They will get you through anything, literally. Someone yacked on me on a bus once and ruined my streak on temple run, I was only mad about the streak.
4. Sort out your shit
Don't be caught copping abuse as you fumble for change or realise you actually don't have any money to get on the bus. Even worse, don't be the dude in white-framed sunglasses who only just realised (but for the 100th time) that his smartrider won't scan through his velcro wallet; so he stands for 1 minute tearing that sucker open while everyone directs their hate towards him.
5. Don't trust the timetables
If you want to "enjoy" (I'm using this term really loosely here) your transit, then you probably don't want to be stressing about "Am I going to be late?!" the entire time, right? As anyone who isn't lucky enough to have a personal driver for their entire life (Damn you Serena & Blair) will know, public transport can be damned slow. Also, we know Perth has a habit of sporadically bursting with people trying to get places; so all forms of transport back up like you probably would if you ate a kilo of cheese. So always give yourself heaps of time for Transperth.
But of course the absolute best way to get through Transperth is to read our articles! Always new and exciting for your absolute reading pleasure, and the guy that is masturbating also.
Brittany Fare
First person known to have made it to Jupiter via unicycle
