3 Ways Your Smartphone Is Plotting To Kill You
If you know me even in the slightest you know that my phone is always in my hand, my back pocket, or generally no further away than five metres from my person at all times. It’s an incredible piece of modern technology and without it I wouldn't know what I was doing, where I was going, or my boyfriend's phone number. But because I have developed such a close relationship with my phone I have begun to notice small changes in it's behaviour which make me think its honestly trying to kill me.
1. Death by Glass Panel
I was chatting to a friend on Facebook the other day, Pete, and he was basically telling me how much he liked my last article. I was happily typing away on my phone as I walked home, wrapped up in how great I thought I was and letting all the flattery was go straight to my head. As I was walking I thought that I should probably get my bearings because I hadn’t checked the way I was walking for a good few minutes, so I stopped, and looked where I was actually going. Well let me tell you right now I am so glad I stopped because instead of going through the two glass automatic doors I was expecting, I had almost walked smack into the glass walls either side. I had literally stopped two centimeters from destroying my dignity and quite possibly my face. This was the first sign that made me realise I am in great mortal peril because of my iPhone.
2. Death by Blunt Force Trauma and/or suffocation
Have you ever been lying in bed, looking at pictures of cats when suddenly your phone jumps out of your hand and whacks you in the face? Yeah. It’s not you- it’s the phone. Someone at work said they have the same trouble with their Kindle- THEY’RE WORKING TOGETHER!!!! Seriously guys, just be really careful. As far as I can tell the plan is to jump as hard as they can and land in a way that it basically king hits you in the mouth, knocking you out so your phone then has a chance to wedge itself firmly down your throat while no one is looking. It’s a conspiracy, man.
3. Death by Hit and Run Accident
Now this last one is the most devious because they’re actually getting someone else to do their dirty work. They wait for a poor unsuspecting person to be checking Facebook while trying to cross the road, distracting their prey at the last minute which forces the victim into the path of an oncoming car with occasionally disastrous consequences. You can thwart this one by forgoing your social media for actual socialness- chat to a person also waiting at the crosswalk and tell them all about the dangers of phones. It’s a community service, you could help a lot of people!*
On a serious note, I feel like it’s my duty to remind you that a lot of people do actually die from being on their mobile phone and driving. Be safe when you’re driving guys- I had a friend pass away recently from this sort of incident and it’s super heart breaking because it could have been stopped. At Isolated Nation we love all our readers and we want you guys to be safe, which reminds me- if your phone is trying to kill you we want to know! Leave a comment, or tweet us at @isolatednation or @perthsoundchic. Also thanks Pete for being my muse for this article, you’re pretty alright. Until next time- be safe!
*Isolated Nation takes no responsibility for any persons who end up in a mental hospital as a result of talking to passers by about murderous communication devices.