*DISCLAIMER; THIS IS PURELY A GENERALISED ASSUMPTION ON WHAT GIRLS TALK ABOUT. THIS IS SOLELY BASED ON MY OWN EXPERIENCES AND I DO NOT CLAIM NOR ASSUME THAT EVERY GIRL IS THE SAME. WE ARE ALL MAGICAL AND INDIVIDUAL FAIRY CREATURES*

Women are mysterious creatures. I, myself, identify as a woman. I have a vagina and other magical traits. However, I am puzzled by ‘my kind’ almost indefinitely. We are a world of confusion that continues to both reinforce and challenge stereotypes that have been cast upon us. I cannot imagine what the opposite sex might think.

So here I am, all 5ft of me to truly tell you, puzzled creatures of the opposite sex (or a woman like me, who still feels like a fly on the wall), what us girls actually talk about. I am also here to tell you, we are basically just one big meme; with lots of talk about penises and poop. A lot of poop. Countless Instagram posts and memes seem to brand women as lazy drunks who nap, complain, eat too much and have excellent stalking skills when it comes to current boyfriend’s pasts, (especially that slut he slept with on Dunsborough leavers when he was 17). But what do we actually talk about?

Surprise surprise, us humans-with-vaginas are actually a little deeper than that. Okay so we conform to an extent in that we generally relish in the ritualistic event that is discussing other women; especially ones we hate. There is nothing more uniting between friends than a third party that has done us wrong in some way. However, what may surprise you, is that a lot of talk about other women is generally positive. For straight women, it borderlines into lesbian territory with the classic “if I could, I would” about an exceptionally beautiful female that even us penis-lovers must sit back and appreciate. Don’t even get me started on how long we can stop and talk about another girl’s makeup; slay that contour.

On the subject of judging women, one thing that I have already contradicted myself about was the use of the term slut. Yes, regardless of your sexual history, if we do not like you for whatever reason, fickle or serious, you may be branded a slut. Nothing personal, just the easiest word to use. The word has no power here, it is a misogynistic term used by men to control and degrade the beautiful entity that is the woman. *Feminist stance aside*

However, between friends, exchanging “hoe stories” is one of our main topics of conversation. There is nothing more exciting than a friend who just got laid by that bearded and pensive looking man in her psychology class. Or the friend that engaged in a rendezvous behind amps by a man who lives, in Northbridge, studies art at TAFE, and gets his old-school style tattoos done at WA ink.

Girls love sex; the only thing we like more is discussing it with our friends. Men if you are reading this; we know what you are like in bed and we know the exact length of your penis, measured on the scientific scale of “widen your hands until it’s at the length”. The second best question you could ask is; “but did he pull your hair though?”. The third is asking your friend to hold your hand whilst you get your first pap smear or get your first monumental STI check-up; we are planners; these things need to be talked through.

Speaking of pap smears, let’s talk about vaginas. Now, this is just a completely generalised opinion, but going off how frequent the mystical giver-of-life is discussed within my friend group, this particular part of the female anatomy needs to be mentioned. Any thought you have that regards the vagina as a taboo topic between friends is complete and utter bullshit; you privileged man. Again, an assumption. But unlike the man topic, the fact that women discuss their bodies openly and freely with one another is not a guess. Shape, sizes, possible STI’s; nothing is off the table. Period talk is like breathing for us. Traditionally, women are these timid elfin creatures who are too proper to discuss “vulgar’ topics such as the female sex organ, but I, a woman who yes, believe it or not, does in fact have a vagina, is here to tell you to leave that shitty opinion behind.

Basically, nothing is off the table with us. We discuss in detail, for example, the ritual that is shaving our ahem, region for such classic events like the good ol’ Netflix and chill date. Comparison of vaginas is not an uncommon one, neither is the comparison of other sacred body parts, such as boobs. I do not care how smooth you are, privileged man, (again sorry about the assumption), but I bet you a dick pic I have seen more boobs than you have. Just from being a female that gets changed with other females you come into contact with a plethora of boobs. Also a taboo topic that I just want to clear up nice and simply; women poop. And boy do we enjoy talking about it. Nothing is more satisfying than the pre-date-shit you do in order to appear thinner in your dress from Transit you bought in order to give off the appearance that you’re “available, but not slutty, but kind of”.

Finally, I realised just scrolling through the classic ~squad~ group chat, all we really fucking talk about is what we’re going to wear. My feminist attitude squirmed writing that, disgusted that I would allow myself to be so conforming to gender expectations, but Jesus it’s true. What really surprised me is how influenced we are by each other. We’re like a group of like-minded sheep who just want to get into the new choker-dress-trend like everyone else. Put simply, if your friends are dressing casual, you will be too. Personally, I don’t mind as much if I’m overdressed, but I will ask my friends what they’re wearing first. The phrase “if you dress like a hoe tonight, I will too” is a commonly used one.

Ultimately, women are multi-dimensional creatures. We may embody the typical traits that are cast upon us but in reality, we can be more honest and frank than any man. We basically talk about the same things men do, just usually more graphic and with a little more empathy. Generally, we are supportive of one another, acting like personal little shrinks that encourage drinking and sex. All in all, what a woman speaks about between her and her friends is a very private affair. So in fact, men will never truthfully know what it is us girls talk about. And to be honest, that is one of the best parts of being a girl.