Films about the heroic outlaw Robin Hood date back to 1908, whilst the story itself dates back to the 13th/14th century. Here in 2018, we have been cursed with a reworking of the classic fable that feels as if the screenwriters kidnapped, maimed and brutalized the sly thief and his merry men in a Monster Energy Drink induced high.

 Robin Hood shoots his way through this gargantuan reboot of the classic tale which follows our timeless thief, Robin Hood (Taron Egerton, whose best days are already behind him), as he returns home from the Persian war only to find his lover Marian (Eve Hewson) moved on (with non-other than Jamie Dornan), the towns people exploited and his manor pillaged. All under the orders of The Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn, as his character from Rogue One), who justifies all these actions via his newly imposed War Fund. Under the guise of a Persian stowaway, Jean (Jamie Foxx), Robin launches a vigilante movement to find out just where The Sheriff’s newly imposed War Fund is really going.

 Robin Hood is a disaster, we’re ripping that bandaid straight off. I often dream I saw the film in 3D just so an arrow might’ve hit me in oesophagus and I would have been spared the hour and forty minute runtime.

The film is as dizzying as an arrow spinning through the sky, where, when, who and what are just several of the hundred questions you’ll ask yourself, or the stranger next to you, during this terrible film.

Before the first shot of the film even braces our eyes we are told by a truly miscast Tim Minchin; ‘forget what you know’ - Which is perhaps the worst piece of advise you can give anyone when telling a classic tale.

Directed by Otto Bathurst, whose directed several TV Shows, ranging from Peaky Blinders to the inaugural Black Mirror episode, and seems to have forgotten anything he ever knew or learnt working on those top-quality shows. Seeing as the screenplay for the film is the only thing in David James Kelly and Ben Chandler’s resumé, it’s safe to say this is most likely their first and last film.

Robin Hood is a mess, not in the sense that there’s a brilliant film lying on the cutting room floor, the film is far too lenient to be a product of studio interference or budgetary difficulties, instead it is just an abysmal film with no explanation.

Robin Hood’s moral compass spins about as wildly as Morissey’s ability to feel compassion. The Hood, as he comes to be known, makes decisions on a whim which get him nowhere except from plot point A to plot point B, which could be considered a success if the fumbling screenwriters actually gave the character any reason to make these decisions.

Like the film failing to do any good for anyone involved whatsoever, Robin Hood fails to abide by his code of honour. Robin never actually gives any of the money he steals to the poor, but hey, theres a scene where literal fire doesn't abide by the law of nature so I guess we can let Robin off on that one.

If Robin Hood can have the confidence to set itself up for a sequel, you can spend its hour and forty minute runtime doing absolutely anything in the world other than watching this awful film, dream big kiddos.

But hey, it’s not all bad, the lighting guy did a good job.

0.5/5 arrows