How To: Team Australia
1) If you see someone who looks different, make sure they know they aren’t part of the team. A good way to achieve this is to physically or verbally abuse them. This way they will more actively engage in the Australian way of life. By pointing out to people that they don’t fit in, they will leave their current way of life and join with their abusers. I wouldn’t be too surprised if a spit on the face is greeted with a “Thanks, mate’.
2) Put a sticker on your car that says “Fuck off we’re full”, “Speak English or piss off” or “If you don’t love it leave it”. The final sticker is dangerous. Whilst the other two are easily understandable and send a clear message there is ambiguity in the latter. Therefore you should be ever vigilant of people who don’t love Australia. Again, it is useful to look into their cars and make snap judgements. If you don’t see an AFL or Australian NRL or Super 15 team sticker on a window you should quickly signal them with your middle finger so they know they have to get in line.
C) Generally give people with non Anglo-Saxon descent hell. As a child I always revelled in the joyous act of being bullied. When I would get hit by my enemies they quickly became my heroes and I tried my best to emulate them and be one of them. This evoked yet more ire and hatred aimed at me, and made me love them even more. Obviously the worse you are to people, the more likely they will step in line.
4) Unquestionably agree with new powers for the police and defence agencies. If they can’t get the job done properly with their current powers, compensating for their mistakes by making it easier for them to convict people regardless of errors is a very good idea. Obviously these powers will never be used against good people. Yeah, the abuse of the state is always just and right.
5) Generalise. When ISIS does something atrocious post on social media saying “Muslims are scum”. Remember someone saying the Qur'an advocates violence? Perpetuate that, and make sure you don't read it yourself. Make sure you don’t generalise against Christians or White people though, and if you do make sure it’s something positive and ignorant of any wrongs perpetrated by the team. If you know any moderate Muslims, abuse them until there’s just no way they could harbour bad thoughts against the perpetrators of abuse, or the state that they represent when they abuse them.
6) Always remember that the less welcome people feel, and the worse the team acts, the more likely it is that they will become one of us. The Port Arthur Massacre was perpetrated by a man who felt utterly ostracised, but maybe that was because he actually had once upon a time been treated well. A broad and discriminating campaign of abuse is the best way to make people join the team. I recommend egging mosques, or those churches with onion shaped rooves. Graffiti cars. Abuse people. Also try to graffiti people, egg cars and abuse mosques.
8) Let’s make this a whitewash people. In the true Hanson vein.